Committing suicide was a rather tempting thought I had in the past before I started taking Escitalopram.
This was due to feeling deep remorse for the choices I had made in my teens and 20s.
Little did I know that they (the regrettable actions) were all ego based learning lessons that would eventually lead me to my true destined/desired path in my 30s.
At the same time I was being mentally tormented and exhausted daily by the most intrusive demonic suggestions that you could ever imagine.
Suggestions that were as brutal as a hammer to the skull.
So yes, a chemical imbalance is definitely a real thing…and it results in making you feel like you are going absolutely insane!
Self-loathing on full throttle 🙁
I became an insomniac and a slave to low-vibrational stimuli.
Stimuli such as toxic relationships, toxic food, toxic music, and toxic films.
Speaking of music though, ironically metal is one of those genres (besides pop-punk, dance, rap, and rock) that honestly got me through the darkest and ugliest of times.
I remember being so elated to see live shows and getting involved in violent mosh pits.
It was a legal, direct way for me to release the anger that I had felt boiling in my veins.
Just like when I would get on a studio mic to scream my lungs out (for an hour or two straight sometimes).
It was so therapeutic.
Afterwards I felt as though a demon left my body; at least for the rest of the day.
I always had a passion for reading lyrics. Trying to decipher and determine the meaning behind the artist’s words. It would help me relate to how I was feeling at the time. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. Validation if you will.
I would often fantasize about being a deathcore vocalist performing a live show and then subsequently blowing my brains out as the audience applauded.
I felt something was deeply missing in my soul. My one true soulmate.
For me I knew even at a young age that I came to this Earth to experience true love.
Not some bullshit half-assed love, I mean the real fucking deal dude! 🙂
Everything else simply did not make life feel fulfilling or meaningful.
I knew in my bones that I was created specifically for bringing the greatest joy to the woman God created just for me.
What good is having all the money I need, being famous or having a ton of materialistic things if I still feel totally empty inside with no one else to share it with?
Being by yourself for a period of time is great for healing and self-love, but eventually it becomes so corny and meaningless. Gross. Lol. And yes I do know the difference between co-dependence and interdependence thank you very much!
Of course my immediate family, friends, (and even strangers) have helped me immensely throughout the years when I was swallowed by the abyss.
A hole so deep that you are absolutely certain that you’ve entered THE Godforsaken hellhole.
What has kept me from actually attempting suicide was thinking about my morals.
How I would traumatize my family for the rest of their lives.
How I would let my haters be satisfied.
How I could possibly suffer dire spiritual consequences.
How I could end up being a vegetable permanently for not getting the job done properly.
Ultimately though if it wasn’t for God, I don’t know what I would do.
I have been through the dark night of the soul many times in my life and the only reason I got through it was because of God’s unconditional guidance, love, support, and light.
God renewed my heart, soul, and spirit with hope and strength again.
Just when I thought my life was over, it had just begun.
I take suicide very seriously. I had a friend who jumped in front of a moving subway.
I found out when his parent’s called me one day.
If my memory serves me correctly they told me that they saw his cell phone call log and that I was the last person he called. I was both devastated and shell shocked.
At that time I felt like there was more I could have done. I sensed there was something up with him when we last spoke on the phone. But he made up his mind. There was no stopping him unfortunately...
So the bottom line is if you or someone you know is thinking about taking their own life because life is being deemed as pointless after a breakup or that the world has gone totally mad, just know that there is always hope.
I highly encourage you to talk to God in your own way with your own words and thoughts.
Also, please don’t discount medication as an option. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you wise.